yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
