I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
