At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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