atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
time to smoke my breakfast
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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