I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
