and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
