don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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