Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
my poor anus
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
