I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
