I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
