Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
