There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
