I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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