will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
