i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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