Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
