OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
