I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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