I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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