Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
