I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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