our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
