im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
