Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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