I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
