i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
