I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
