My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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