Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
