why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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