pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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