The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Moan for me like Helen Keller
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
