Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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