Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
