Don't make out with my wife yet
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
as a side note pls kill me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
