i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
