He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
