I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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