based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
