Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
