Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
