dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Text me some of your sweat
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
