Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
