you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
