I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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