I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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