when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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