The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
