my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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