Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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