'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Send help, water and tortillas.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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