How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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