Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
